Though many consider the holidays to be a time to celebrate peace and love, divorced couples can find it difficult to put down their swords. The holidays can be difficult for divorced parents, but even more so for their children. The following tips from licensed psychotherapist Donna Ferber should help such parents help their children have a better holiday season:
- Money, gifts, sweets and indulging don’t “make up” for anything. Your child is going to have TWO Christmases. No need to feel guilty. Most kids say the dual holidays are the best thing about being a divorced kid.
- If possible, make your plans with your ex-spouse ahead of time and stick to them. Let the kids know where they will be and when. It helps them feel in control. Let them make only age appropriate decisions. A good rule of thumb: if it is not a decision you would let your children make while you were married, then don’t let them make it now. Let your kids be kids.
- Be flexible. No, this is not a contradiction of #2. It means that stuff happens. So if your ex is two hours late because of an ice storm or because his cousin Joey showed up late, try to let it go.
- Keep your anger, resentment, annoyance, disgust about your ex, his sports car, his/her new love and his family, to yourself. Remember, your kids are part of both of you and when you slam your child’s other parent, your child feels slammed as well.
- Do not make your children responsible for your happiness. “Go have a good time with Dad in Jamaica, while I sit here miserable and all alone,” only breeds resentment and guilt in your child.
- Don’t compete. If he can afford more than you – fine. Rather than resenting his/her father( or mother), appreciate that your child can experience things you can’t buy him/her. Don’t overspend to keep up. Make memories by doing fun things together – bake cookies, read a Christmas story, build a snowman. Money does not buy love.
- The new girlfriend (or boyfriend) cannot and will not take your place.Children are unbelievably loyal. They can love many people, but the title and honor of parent is yours and will be only yours forever. So, relax. Deal with your jealousy without making your kid responsible for your feeling threatened. This is simply not the job of the child.
- Divorce is the severing of the adult relationship and should not be the termination of the parent-child relationship, no matter how much you really can’t stand him/her. If your child is not in harm’s way, the relationship needs to continue. This is the CHILD’s right. If you really feel the child is in danger, then get a lawyer, prove it and have supervised visitation. Never keep a child from being with a parent based on your own feelings!
- Lastly, remember that you are the adult. Suck up your anger toward your ex and make the holidays wonderful for your kids.
Source: ”Children, Divorce & the Holidays: Making it Happy not Horrible!” by Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut and the author of From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.
Now that I have expanded my practice to include guardian ad litem work, I am receiving dozens and dozens of questions about what guardians ad litem do and do not do. The following questions seem to be the top five:
1. Does a Guardian ad Litem have to be a lawyer?
Montana law does not require that guardians ad litem be licensed attorneys. In fact, in dependency/neglect cases, many guardians ad litem are not attorneys. In custody and divorce cases, I strongly suggest the parties utilize a guardian ad litem that is a licensed Montana attorney, well-versed in Montana family law.
While a GAL may be a lawyer, the GAL is not technically a lawyer for the children. The distinction seems minor, but can be incredibly important. A GALs’ job is to make a recommendation to the Court regarding what is in a child’s best interest, even if it is contrary to what a child desires. A child’s lawyer, on the other hand, would be expected to advocate on behalf of the child’s desire, even if the desire were not in the child’s best interests.
2. How much do Guardians ad Litem cost?
Because most GALs are license attorneys, the cost is similar to that of an attorney. However, GAL fees are usually split between the parties. Often times the cost is split equally, but if the incomes of the parties are very disparate, the court may order a different split of the GALs fees.
3. How long does a GAL take to do an investigation and report?
Depending on how complicated the case is, how accessible the parties are and how many other professionals need to be consulted with, a GAL can take anywhere from a couple of weeks to several months to do their investigation and report.
4. What determines whether a GAL becomes involved in the case?
There are basically two ways a GAL becomes involved in a case. First, the parties might agree that the case is complex enough that a GAL should become involved. In that circumstance, the parties will enter into a stipulation or agreement appointing a GAL. In other cases, only one of the parties may feel a GAL is appropriate. If the other disagrees, the party desiring a GAL will file a motion for appointment of a GAL with the Court. The other party will have the opportunity to object and then the court will make a decision.
5. What factors does the GAL consider during her/his investigation?
When investigating and reporting to the Court, the GAL should consider: the wishes of your child and both parents; the safety and well-being of the child; the child’s relationship with both parents and other family members; the cooperation and communication between parents and whether either one unreasonably refuses to cooperate or communicate with the other; a parent’s likelihood to interfere in the other parent’s continuing relationship with the child; any physical abuse or problems with alcohol or drugs; the reports of appropriate professionals (counselors, doctors, etc.); and other significant factors that would affect the child’s well-being.
I have written several articles about guardians ad litem being utilized in Montana child custody/parenting case or Montana divorce cases. There are several great attorneys doing guardian ad litem work in Flathead County, but it seems guardians ad litem are still pretty hard to come by. After careful consideration, I have decided to expand my practice to include guardian ad litem services. I will handle cases in Flathead County, Lake County or Lincoln County.
For those of you unfamiliar with guardian ad litem work, a guardian ad litem (also referred to by the acronym “GAL”) acts as a quasi-representative for minor children involved in custody/parenting cases or divorce cases. GALs report and recommend to the court what they think would be the best parenting plan for a child. GALs generally do a thorough and independent investigation prior to making a report and recommendation to the court. The GAL meets with the minor child(ren); meets with both parents; speaks with other family members, teachers and providers; and visits the parents’ homes. In other words, the GAL has the opportunity to speak with and see a lot more than a judge is able to see when sitting on the bench. After reading the report and recommendation from a GAL, the judge has the opportunity to put the GALs recommendation in place, approve it in part or reject it entirely.
As a GAL, I plan to provide thorough, efficient and timely services. I understand the importance of resolving parenting cases as quickly as possible, while still taking the time to do a thorough investigation. I also understand that by the time a GAL is involved, the parties may be feeling financially strained. I look forward to serving the families of the Flathead, Lake and Lincoln counties.
For more information on guardians ad litem, read my blog over the next few weeks.
If you are interested in retaining me to act as a guardian ad litem in your case, please contact me at (406)752-6373.
In Montana, grandparents can petition the Court for visitation rights with a grandchild, even over the objections of a parent. This is called third-party contact, and it is usually something a parent decides on. But sometimes, family situations require that the Court step in and make a decision that is in the child’s best interests. Obviously, the best result is when everyone can agree and get along, but the reality is that this isn’t always the way it happens. As a grandparent, taking the time to establish your rights can mean the difference between a life-long relationship and estrangement.
A grandparent who wants the Court to order contact with his or her grandchild, must first have the judge determine if the parent is fit. If a parent adequately cares for her child, she is fit. If he does not, he is not fit.
If the parent is unfit, then the contact must just be in the best interests of the child. If the parent is fit, the grandparent needs to show that the visits are in the child’s best interests and also needs to rebut a presumption that the parent’s wishes are what’s best for the child. This is in keeping with the Unites States Supreme Court’s decision in Troxel v. Granville.
In Troxel, the father committed suicide in Washington state leaving behind two daughters and their mother (whom he had not married). The mother married and her new husband adopted the children and limited the father’s parents visitation rights. The US Supreme Court found that the Washington State law was too broad and said that it infringed on parental rights. This has become the standard that all the states must follow and which Montana does. If a parent is fit, the grandparent must overcome a significant burden.
If you are a grandparent who is being denied visitation with your grandchild, contact a montana family law attorney to learn more about your rights. If you’re not ready to take such a drastic step, there are other options to consider. Some families have had success with mediation (either with a trained mediator, or even a family priest or pastor). Sometimes, just sitting down as a family for a frank discussion about the problems can sometimes produce good results as well.
It’s also important to remember that law differ from state to state. While you may have a friend who went through the process in another state, their experience may have been wildly different from what you will experience here in the big sky state. Just remember, the best way to know what your rights are as a grandparent in Montana is to discuss the situation with a local lawyer.
During and after a divorce, Thanksgiving can be a difficult hurdle. Especially the first time. A holiday meant to celebrate togetherness and family can be especially hard on children suffering the loss of exactly that stability. During your first Thanksgiving apart, you should expect to feel sad. More importantly, you should expect your children to feel sad. Emotions like sadness, confusion, and even anger are common and should be expected from children and yourself.
Some of my clients have developed different strategies to cope around Thanksgiving. One of my favorite is when the forge ahead and create new traditions. Some volunteer with community outreach programs like soup kitchens. Others visit a different relative for the Thanksgiving dinner. Whatever you do, take some time to imagine a new tradition. Even if you only do it for one year, the change can do everyone good.
Other family members are important too. You might feel like a burden, talking about your feelings and sadness. But, at the risk of being cliche, what are friends for? I’m not suggesting that you spend the entire Thanksgiving weekend in a fog of sadness, but allowing yourself to feel those emotions isn’t a bad thing. If you need a shoulder to cry on, let your friends and family be there for you. Get it out of your system, so that the celebration itself can be about a new beginning.
A new factor that can’t be avoided is scheduling. Odds are, your children will now have two different Thanksgiving dinners to attend. The best results I’ve seen come from families who recognize that Thanksgiving is just a day, it’s the celebration that is important. And that celebration can be repeated on any day. Scheduling Thanksgiving dinner for Friday doesn’t change the holiday, and with some flexibility like that – both parents can have a great holiday with the kids. After all, what’s more important: the day of the week or time with your children?
And whatever you do, don’t bring the kids into any scheduling conflicts with your ex. It’s not their fault. And frankly, there’s no reason they should even know about them. Finding time to sit down for the holiday meal is your responsibility. This is going to be stressful enough with all the changes. Don’t make things worse.
Even in the midst of divorce, there are still reasons to be thankful. That’s the reason for the holiday, and family disruptions or not — remembering that is beneficial for everyone. Take some time, and make a list of things that you are thankful for. It might be hard at first, but ultimately it could bring some perspective that will improve the day for you and your children.
One of the questions I am asked most often is how to enforce a parenting plan when the other parent is not complying with a plan. Parenting plan violations range from significant (i.e. not returning the child when required to do so) to mild (i.e. taking the child too school late, refusing telephone contact, etc.). Sometimes, parenting plan violations seem mild enough that seeking court intervention does not make a lot of sense. In that circumstance, it may be best to keep track of the violations and notify the other parent that they are violating the plan and that if the violations continue, court intervention may be necessary.
In other circumstances, however, parenting plan violations are significant enough that a parent feels it is necessary to get the court involved to enforce the parenting plan. This process is often called a “contempt action.” Contempt is a finding by the court that someone willfully violated a court order. When your parenting plan is ordered by the court (either through a trial/hearing or by approving an agreement), it becomes a court order. As such, violations of a parenting plan are punishable by contempt.
If you file a motion or petition for contempt against the other parent, you will need to give the court information about what violations have occurred. Because the information needs to be provided, it is important that you keep track of parenting violations in a parenting journal or catalogue. With good record keeping, you will be able to inform the court about the exact date and time an incident happened, rather than a general “well…this one time…I don’t remember when” situation.
After a motion for contempt is filed, the court will give the other party an opportunity to respond and, eventually, set the case for a hearing. If the court finds the other person in contempt, that parent can be punished with fines, a money judgment (in circumstances involving failure to pay) and, in very extreme cases, jail time. Additionally, the court will likely require the parent to comply with the parenting plan going forward.
Filing for contempt can be fairly complex, so it is best if you see an attorney to assist you. Of course, that isn’t always a financial option. If you are not able to afford an attorney, consider meeting with an attorney for an hour consultation, so that you can seek advice about your particular case.
REMEMBER: One parent’s failure to follow the parenting plan does not excuse the other parent from complying. Even if your ex never follows the parenting plan, it is important that you still comply with the plan. If you’ve been violating the plan, you will have a heck of a time forcing the other parent to comply.
It has been several months since I have blogged about the resources available to those in the process of divorcing or dealing with child custody/parenting issues in the Kalispell area. Whether or not you have a Kalispell attorney to assist you with your Kalispell child custody/parenting case, you may want to look into the following resources, many of which are at little to no cost.
1. Kalispell/Flathead County Self Help Law Center
If you are able to visit the Flathead County Justice Center in Kalispell, you can find the Self-Help Law Center on the third floor. The Self-Help Law Center is open from 9:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. There is generally a resource officer on staff and can help you locate the documents needed to file for divorce or parenting on your own.
2. Nurturing Center
From supervised visits to parenting education, the Nurturing Center provides comprehensive support to families in the Flathead Valley. Located at 146 Third Avenue West in downtown Kalispell, the Nurturing Center can provide valuable parenting resources to those involved in Kalispell child custody/parenting cases, whether or not an attorney is involved.
3. MontanaLawHelp.org
Whether or not you live in the Flathead, MontanaLawHelp.org offers free fill-in-the-blank dissolution and parenting plan forms. While I highly recommend all people looking into filing for a dissolution or parenting plan at least meet with an attorney to discuss their legal options, the Montana Law Help forms can keep the overall cost of your divorce down.
As always, I encourage anyone going through a child custody or parenting case to meet with an attorney to discuss their options. Even when you may not be able to afford an attorney to assist you throughout your case, an hour consultation is likely worth your time and money.
Anyone facing the end of a marriage wants a trustworthy, dedicated family law specialist who has experience with financial advisers, forensic experts and health care professionals. For residents of Missoula or Missoula County, Marybeth Sampsel of Measure Law Office is exactly that.
Not only is divorce incredibly difficult, but it’s also emotional. This is an explosive combination that can make everything worse. An experienced divorce lawyer, in Missoula or the rest of the country, understands that burden and represents all your needs. Sometimes, a guiding hand is as important as technical legal advice. This is the philosophy I bring to all my divorce and child custody cases, and it’s one I know my clients appreciate.
When children are involved, a deft touch is even more important. In cases of child custody or parenting plan modifications, I pride myself on representing my clients by also representing their children. While some lawyers build a reputation on being adversarial “trial lawyers,” I see no reason to create conflict and strife unnecessarily. A good lawyer can be a zealous advocate without adding stress and aggression to an already tense situation.
Although my office is located in Kalispell, I represent divorce clients across the state. Modern technological developments make it as easy to communicate and share documents with clients in Missoula as anywhere else. If you need a Missoula divorce attorney, please call me today at (406) 752-6373 to schedule a consultation.
Halloween is one of the more minor holidays that is often overlooked in a parenting plan. When you have small children, however, Halloween can be one of the most fun and exciting holidays of the year. If you are divorced or separated and you have small children, Halloween is an opportune time to work with your ex on co-parenting during the holidays. Consider Halloween a “practice round” before Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around.
Here are some tips to keep in mind when making Halloween plans this year.
1. Check your parenting plan, then consider scrapping it.
Some parenting plans do include Halloween. Make sure that you check yours to see if there is a Halloween provision. If there is, keep in mind that you are bound to follow the plan UNLESS you and the other parent agree otherwise. If the Halloween provision already in place makes sense, there may be no need for you to communicate with your ex about changing Halloween plans. If, on the other hand, Halloween was overlooked in your plan or your Halloween provision just doesn’t make sense, get in touch with the other parent to discuss a possible change. Perhaps you can figure out a way to share time with your child on Halloween. Maybe Dad can go to the school party and Mom can take the kids trick-or-treating.
Remember, you can’t change a parenting plan without the other parent’s agreement or the court’s consent. Don’t unilaterally make a change to the plan without consulting with the other parent.
2. Don’t put your children in the middle.
As with any parenting dispute, it is imperative not to put the child in the middle. Make the decision as parents and do not force the child to take a side. Don’t say, “don’t you want to spend Halloween with Mommy (or Daddy)?” Asking the child means your child might spend Halloween concerned about which parent they chose to spend time with.
3. Share Time.
If at all possible, try to figure out a way to share the holiday. Long-distance between parents can make this impossible, but if it can be done, try and figure out a way. Of course, both parents want to spend the holiday with the child. Just because parents are separated, does not mean that can’t be accomplished.
4. Be Nice.
Whether or not you and the other parent are able to reach an agreement about Halloween, be nice! Nothing will ruin your child’s Halloween like watching his/her parents fight. Don’t use Halloween as an opportunity to tell your child about what a jerk their other parent is.
5. Plan Ahead.
Make sure you have tackled a holiday issue before it hits you head on. Don’t wait until October 29th to ask the other parent for time on a Halloween. Planning ahead allows you to prepare your children for the upcoming holiday and to manage their expectations in advance. Children need to know what to expect in the coming days, weeks, and even months. By preparing them for Halloween in advance, you decrease the chances of a Halloween Eve meltdown when they realize they are spending the holiday in one place or another.
Whether your child is five of fifteen, going back to school after parents divorce can be awkward for all involved. Who chaperons school trips? Who takes care of science projects and book reports? Who buys school supplies? The questions go on and on. Navigating school issues is just one of the many things divorce parents must work out. Before we dive in, some good news: the first year will be the most complicated, but it is (almost) all uphill from here!
Before reading any further, I suggest you review your Parenting Plan. The “Decision Making,” “Residential Schedule,” and “Child Support” sections will be invaluable when determining how your child’s school schedule fits into your new life as a divorcee. Depending on your parenting plan, you may find that you have the right and authority to make some decisions without involving your ex, or you may discover that the two of you will need to be in constant communication throughout the year.
In the Decision Making section of your parenting plan, you should find how educational decisions will be made. In Montana, our courts generally prefer that the parties make educational decisions together. Where your child will go to school, whether or not your child should be held back, how special education will be handled, and so on, are all issues that would likely be considered ”educational decisions.” If your parenting plan provides for joint decision-making, you and your ex must discuss and agree upon those major educational issues. I know, I know…if you could agree upon everything, you probably wouldn’t be divorced, right??!? Well, your parenting plan probably anticipates there could be disagreements. See your mediation or dispute resolution section. Normally, a parenting plan will require parties mediate disagreements. If you can’t decide where junior will go to school or whether or not your daughter will skip the 5th grade, mediation is your next stop.
In your Residential Schedule, you may find some information about how school activities will be shared. Including this detail is fairly rare, so if you don’t see a provision about school activities, don’t panic! Generally, both parents are allowed to participate and attend the child’s school activities: plays, sporting events, field trips, etc. In some families, mom and dad simply cannot interact with each other. If that is your circumstance, I suggest working out a schedule where you and your ex share school activities. If dad is more into science, maybe he can help with the science fair while mom volunteers for reading group. For younger children who have field trips, taking turns chaperoning might be an option. This sort of thing will require some work on both parent’s part – hopefully the parties can set differences aside to make junior’s first school year after the divorce a smooth one.
You may also find a section in your parenting plan about how to share your child’s extracurricular expenses. Many parenting plans split the cost 50-50, though that isn’t always the case. As such, be SURE to check your Parenting Plan.
Finally, a few things to remember this school year:
- While both parents have the right to receive the child’s school records, report cards, etc., they each have a responsibility to acquire that information. I suggest each parent contact the school and the child’s teacher at the beginning of the year and request that all mailings go to both homes. This way, both parents can stay on top of the school schedule.
- Both parents have the right to attend parent-teacher conferences (unless the court has specifically limited that right in your case). If your relationship with your ex is extremely volatile, separate conferences can usually be accomplished. Call your child’s teacher to find out.
- School issues are one of the most complex issues to deal with when co-parenting. Figuring out how your new relationship will work takes time. Always keep your child’s best interest in mind and keep the lines of communication as open as possible
