During and after a divorce, Thanksgiving can be a difficult hurdle. Especially the first time. A holiday meant to celebrate togetherness and family can be especially hard on children suffering the loss of exactly that stability. During your first Thanksgiving apart, you should expect to feel sad. More importantly, you should expect your children to feel sad. Emotions like sadness, confusion, and even anger are common and should be expected from children and yourself.
Some of my clients have developed different strategies to cope around Thanksgiving. One of my favorite is when the forge ahead and create new traditions. Some volunteer with community outreach programs like soup kitchens. Others visit a different relative for the Thanksgiving dinner. Whatever you do, take some time to imagine a new tradition. Even if you only do it for one year, the change can do everyone good.
Other family members are important too. You might feel like a burden, talking about your feelings and sadness. But, at the risk of being cliche, what are friends for? I’m not suggesting that you spend the entire Thanksgiving weekend in a fog of sadness, but allowing yourself to feel those emotions isn’t a bad thing. If you need a shoulder to cry on, let your friends and family be there for you. Get it out of your system, so that the celebration itself can be about a new beginning.
A new factor that can’t be avoided is scheduling. Odds are, your children will now have two different Thanksgiving dinners to attend. The best results I’ve seen come from families who recognize that Thanksgiving is just a day, it’s the celebration that is important. And that celebration can be repeated on any day. Scheduling Thanksgiving dinner for Friday doesn’t change the holiday, and with some flexibility like that – both parents can have a great holiday with the kids. After all, what’s more important: the day of the week or time with your children?
And whatever you do, don’t bring the kids into any scheduling conflicts with your ex. It’s not their fault. And frankly, there’s no reason they should even know about them. Finding time to sit down for the holiday meal is your responsibility. This is going to be stressful enough with all the changes. Don’t make things worse.
Even in the midst of divorce, there are still reasons to be thankful. That’s the reason for the holiday, and family disruptions or not — remembering that is beneficial for everyone. Take some time, and make a list of things that you are thankful for. It might be hard at first, but ultimately it could bring some perspective that will improve the day for you and your children.
It’s hard to turn on the news without hearing a story about rising rates of childhood obesity across the country. And unfortunately, Montana is no exception. And following the rule that divorcing parents with turn everything and anything into a fight: it’s become a new hot topic in divorce cases.
According to the CDC, childhood obesity is determined by comparing the BMI of a child to the corresponding BMI-for-age and sex percentile. For children aged 2-19 years, overweight is defined as a BMI at or above the 85th percentile for children of the same age and sex. Obesity is defined as a BMI at or above the 95th percentile for children of the same age and sex.
The consequences of childhood obesity can be severe and range from high blood pressure to high cholesterol to insulin resistance to type 2 diabetes. It can cause breathing problems such as sleep apnea and asthma and lead to joint problems and musculoskeletal discomfort. And those are just some of the immediate risks.
Long term, those who are obese in childhood are more likely to become obese adults, which is associated with a number of serious health conditions including heart disease, diabetes, and some cancers. Also, if children are overweight, obesity in adulthood is likely to be more severe.
With all that to consider, it’s no surprise that the blame game for parents of an obese child is common and contentious. But, given the many possible causes of childhood obesity, which range from genetic to environmental, it’s very difficult to prove one parent was at fault. And that’s where things can get ugly.
At this point, judges have been very reluctant to make parenting determinations based on accusations related to childhood obesity. Absent clear proof of neglect or disregard for a child’s well being, courts have steered clear of this issue. But that hasn’t stopped divorcing parents from dragging their child’s weight into the spot light and trying to use it. And, that hasn’t stopped some states from considering redefining the best interests of a child to include things like diet and obesity.
Though it has not been formally introduced in any state, the Second Chances Act is making its way around cyberland and is creating quite the buzz. The Institute for American Values, a non-profit family-values organization, is urging states to change divorce/custody legislation to require parties with minor children to attend divorce-education classes and to set a one-year cooling off period before a divorce can be final. Additionally, the Second Chances Act includes a provision requiring parties to send a letter to their spouse that notifies them divorce may be imminent.
William Doherty, a professor at University of Minnesota and co-author of the Second Chances Act says the reason for the Act is not to end divorce entirely, but to create additional speed bumps in the road to divorce.
Given the legislation presented during the last session of the Montana Legislature, it seems fairly likely that something similar to the Second Chances Act will pop up during the next session.
To learn more about the proposed Second Chances Act, read the full proposal here.
U.S. News’ The Daily Beast lists the 50 Cities with the Worst Divorce Rates. You can head over to the article for a full listing, but some surprising candidates: Medford, Oregon ranks third in the number of divorce individuals with a 15.1% of its population being divorcees. Billings is the only Montana city to make the list, with a divorced population of 13.3%, it ranks at #24.
As if the break up of your marriage weren’t bad enough, a recent study suggests that the stress associated with the loss of a partner (either through divorce or death) increases hair loss in women. If you also smoke and spend a great deal of time in the sun, your chances of hair loss are even greater.
The study traced a group of 84 identical twins who completed lifestyle studies and hormone tests. Those who were happily married, used sun protection and steered clear of alcohol had fuller heads of hair.
The good news? Hair loss treatment is often effective. And those who reduce their stress by ending an unhealthy marriage might actually see improvement. Read more about the study here.
We are constantly faced with articles and stories about the divorce rate. So much so that nearly every American can quote the current divorce rate (about 50%) without skipping a beat. Amazingly, there is one place were the divorce/annulment rate has soared to 75% – the internet.
The hugely successful online role-playing game MapleStory recent reported that the divorce rate in cyberland is currently at about 75%. Nexon, the makers of MapleStory, recently reported that of the 26,982 in-game marriages (which cost $25.00 a pop, by the way) that took place this year, 20,344 ended in annulment/divorce.
Just like divorce in the real world, MapleStory players don’t divorce for free. An in-game divorce costs 500,000 Mesos (aka MapleStory money) and players must relinquish their wedding ring. Players must also wait ten days before marrying someone else.
One of the questions I am asked most often is how to enforce a parenting plan when the other parent is not complying with a plan. Parenting plan violations range from significant (i.e. not returning the child when required to do so) to mild (i.e. taking the child too school late, refusing telephone contact, etc.). Sometimes, parenting plan violations seem mild enough that seeking court intervention does not make a lot of sense. In that circumstance, it may be best to keep track of the violations and notify the other parent that they are violating the plan and that if the violations continue, court intervention may be necessary.
In other circumstances, however, parenting plan violations are significant enough that a parent feels it is necessary to get the court involved to enforce the parenting plan. This process is often called a “contempt action.” Contempt is a finding by the court that someone willfully violated a court order. When your parenting plan is ordered by the court (either through a trial/hearing or by approving an agreement), it becomes a court order. As such, violations of a parenting plan are punishable by contempt.
If you file a motion or petition for contempt against the other parent, you will need to give the court information about what violations have occurred. Because the information needs to be provided, it is important that you keep track of parenting violations in a parenting journal or catalogue. With good record keeping, you will be able to inform the court about the exact date and time an incident happened, rather than a general “well…this one time…I don’t remember when” situation.
After a motion for contempt is filed, the court will give the other party an opportunity to respond and, eventually, set the case for a hearing. If the court finds the other person in contempt, that parent can be punished with fines, a money judgment (in circumstances involving failure to pay) and, in very extreme cases, jail time. Additionally, the court will likely require the parent to comply with the parenting plan going forward.
Filing for contempt can be fairly complex, so it is best if you see an attorney to assist you. Of course, that isn’t always a financial option. If you are not able to afford an attorney, consider meeting with an attorney for an hour consultation, so that you can seek advice about your particular case.
REMEMBER: One parent’s failure to follow the parenting plan does not excuse the other parent from complying. Even if your ex never follows the parenting plan, it is important that you still comply with the plan. If you’ve been violating the plan, you will have a heck of a time forcing the other parent to comply.
It has been several months since I have blogged about the resources available to those in the process of divorcing or dealing with child custody/parenting issues in the Kalispell area. Whether or not you have a Kalispell attorney to assist you with your Kalispell child custody/parenting case, you may want to look into the following resources, many of which are at little to no cost.
1. Kalispell/Flathead County Self Help Law Center
If you are able to visit the Flathead County Justice Center in Kalispell, you can find the Self-Help Law Center on the third floor. The Self-Help Law Center is open from 9:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. There is generally a resource officer on staff and can help you locate the documents needed to file for divorce or parenting on your own.
2. Nurturing Center
From supervised visits to parenting education, the Nurturing Center provides comprehensive support to families in the Flathead Valley. Located at 146 Third Avenue West in downtown Kalispell, the Nurturing Center can provide valuable parenting resources to those involved in Kalispell child custody/parenting cases, whether or not an attorney is involved.
3. MontanaLawHelp.org
Whether or not you live in the Flathead, MontanaLawHelp.org offers free fill-in-the-blank dissolution and parenting plan forms. While I highly recommend all people looking into filing for a dissolution or parenting plan at least meet with an attorney to discuss their legal options, the Montana Law Help forms can keep the overall cost of your divorce down.
As always, I encourage anyone going through a child custody or parenting case to meet with an attorney to discuss their options. Even when you may not be able to afford an attorney to assist you throughout your case, an hour consultation is likely worth your time and money.
Anyone facing the end of a marriage wants a trustworthy, dedicated family law specialist who has experience with financial advisers, forensic experts and health care professionals. For residents of Missoula or Missoula County, Marybeth Sampsel of Measure Law Office is exactly that.
Not only is divorce incredibly difficult, but it’s also emotional. This is an explosive combination that can make everything worse. An experienced divorce lawyer, in Missoula or the rest of the country, understands that burden and represents all your needs. Sometimes, a guiding hand is as important as technical legal advice. This is the philosophy I bring to all my divorce and child custody cases, and it’s one I know my clients appreciate.
When children are involved, a deft touch is even more important. In cases of child custody or parenting plan modifications, I pride myself on representing my clients by also representing their children. While some lawyers build a reputation on being adversarial “trial lawyers,” I see no reason to create conflict and strife unnecessarily. A good lawyer can be a zealous advocate without adding stress and aggression to an already tense situation.
Although my office is located in Kalispell, I represent divorce clients across the state. Modern technological developments make it as easy to communicate and share documents with clients in Missoula as anywhere else. If you need a Missoula divorce attorney, please call me today at (406) 752-6373 to schedule a consultation.
Halloween is one of the more minor holidays that is often overlooked in a parenting plan. When you have small children, however, Halloween can be one of the most fun and exciting holidays of the year. If you are divorced or separated and you have small children, Halloween is an opportune time to work with your ex on co-parenting during the holidays. Consider Halloween a “practice round” before Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around.
Here are some tips to keep in mind when making Halloween plans this year.
1. Check your parenting plan, then consider scrapping it.
Some parenting plans do include Halloween. Make sure that you check yours to see if there is a Halloween provision. If there is, keep in mind that you are bound to follow the plan UNLESS you and the other parent agree otherwise. If the Halloween provision already in place makes sense, there may be no need for you to communicate with your ex about changing Halloween plans. If, on the other hand, Halloween was overlooked in your plan or your Halloween provision just doesn’t make sense, get in touch with the other parent to discuss a possible change. Perhaps you can figure out a way to share time with your child on Halloween. Maybe Dad can go to the school party and Mom can take the kids trick-or-treating.
Remember, you can’t change a parenting plan without the other parent’s agreement or the court’s consent. Don’t unilaterally make a change to the plan without consulting with the other parent.
2. Don’t put your children in the middle.
As with any parenting dispute, it is imperative not to put the child in the middle. Make the decision as parents and do not force the child to take a side. Don’t say, “don’t you want to spend Halloween with Mommy (or Daddy)?” Asking the child means your child might spend Halloween concerned about which parent they chose to spend time with.
3. Share Time.
If at all possible, try to figure out a way to share the holiday. Long-distance between parents can make this impossible, but if it can be done, try and figure out a way. Of course, both parents want to spend the holiday with the child. Just because parents are separated, does not mean that can’t be accomplished.
4. Be Nice.
Whether or not you and the other parent are able to reach an agreement about Halloween, be nice! Nothing will ruin your child’s Halloween like watching his/her parents fight. Don’t use Halloween as an opportunity to tell your child about what a jerk their other parent is.
5. Plan Ahead.
Make sure you have tackled a holiday issue before it hits you head on. Don’t wait until October 29th to ask the other parent for time on a Halloween. Planning ahead allows you to prepare your children for the upcoming holiday and to manage their expectations in advance. Children need to know what to expect in the coming days, weeks, and even months. By preparing them for Halloween in advance, you decrease the chances of a Halloween Eve meltdown when they realize they are spending the holiday in one place or another.
